does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I understand Curling. That high.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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