Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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