dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
