I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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