i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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