Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
