I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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