It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
