And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
