i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
two words: eviction party
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
