i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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