i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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