thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
