I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I have aggressive nipples.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
