I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
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