mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
