just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
