Welp...herpes.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
