Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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