Quick, to the slutcave!
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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