Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I enjoy the company of your penis
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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