Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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