rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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