So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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