just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
