I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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