There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
