apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
