eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
