I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
