its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
