Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Randomize
