he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
