textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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