i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
