I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
