So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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