This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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