Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
