What a fucking waste of an outfit
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize