What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
