i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Houston, we have a blender
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
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