Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
