On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
