I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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