I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
