yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
