I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
