last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
