Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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