mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Randomize
