I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
