I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
