And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
