So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
birth control should be required to get into college
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
