I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
