my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
