I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You dont lie about slip and slides
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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