I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize