Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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