so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize