apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
